Does this mean I’m the father now?
No one can fill the position of your parent. No one can replicate the relationships they had with others and the memories they created. Unfortunately though, after losing a parent, it will often feel like you have to become them. For instance, taking their profession and responsibilities of supporting a family. It will often feel like you have to “man up.” But what does that mean?
Responsibility and Manhood
When a boy grows into a man, his priorities shift, and he begins to lose interest in many of the things he enjoyed as a child. Although even when you’re grown up you may still enjoy video games and WWE, you will be introduced to new choices and sacrifices that will begin to develop your character. For some men, they become ready to not only support themselves, but also a family. However, the real qualities in maturity lie within oneself: in his preparedness for responsibility, handling challenges, support for his friends and his ability to have trust in his relationships.
Meeting Challenges
If a man (or woman) is presented with a challenge, in one form or another they face it, even if that means having the will to handle it himself, or asking for help from someone he would never want to. He does not give up, or avoid the problem, but rather, uses his resources, skills, and relationships to find a way through the challenge. That means sometimes choosing others over yourself and thinking about long term goals. Maybe it would be the better choice to go to your mom’s 50th birthday than watch the football game at your friend’s house. Maybe it would be wiser to study for your final chem exam than go to a party. At times making decisions that benefit others and your future self can come back to help you later in time. This is part of the reason we aspire to harness the strength that, say, a superhero does. These characters exemplify the ability to overcome obstacles and temptation and take care of business.
Dependability
For a boy to become a man (and a girl to become a woman), he has to be a supportive friend and community member. His friends must know that he is dependable when they really need him. They should know that they can come to him in many situations with different needs, and he will do his best to be there for them. This type of dependability could mean not only keeping promises between one of your friends and you, or saying “sorry” when you’re wrong, but also standing up for your friends. Loyalty is a quintessential aspect of manhood and friendship, and when someone is being cruel to your friend, it becomes your responsibility to stand up for them or do what it takes to help. It is important for everyone to develop this dependability, as it not only brings respect from others, but also increases self-esteem and confidence.
Emotional Maturity
Emotional Maturity involves being in-touch with oneself and being able to talk about feelings with others. When handling grief, a natural instinct can be to ‘shut out’ one’s feelings and those of others. “Staying strong” is often equated with going on with life and appearing “okay” with the situation. Yes, thinking about the loss of your parent 24/7 would be depressing, and we advise against it. However, moving forward does not necessarily mean moving on. Trying to forget about the loss of your parent in totality isn’t as much of permanent solution to handling your grief as it may feel at first. At some point your grief will catch up to you. That’s why it’s important to stay in touch with your feelings. Being in touch with your feelings can mean writing in a journal or talking to a best friend or adult. Having the ability to conceptualize your new relationship with your parent can give you strength for the future and allow you a calmer state of mind. Knowing that you have a trusted friend or adult by your side will not replace your parent, but it will provide the same sense of comfort and support.
So am I supposed to be a father or not?
No, but there is no doubt that losing a parent will add more responsibility in your life. More people than you may want will be become dependent on you. The natural process of maturing after losing a parent doesn’t make you a father, or even for that case, a man. It will, however, make you more aware of your surroundings. With this awful situation, choose to make yourself dependable, but with what feels like the weight of the world on your shoulders, don’t stop living your life and doing the things you love.
