Seeing my mom again...in my dreams
In the days, weeks, and months after my mom died, I felt so lost and empty. I was filled with guilt of things I wish I had said or did, and also things from the past I wish had never happened. I couldn’t change anything, my mom was gone, but I was desperate to talk to her one more time. I needed her to hear what was in my heart, feelings I had never told her. I needed to let her know how much I missed her and needed her. In the darkness of night, before I feel asleep, I would talk to my mom, hoping that she would hear me.
I don’t dream much, and when I do I rarely remember my dreams. I knew I would never see my mom again, at least until I died, which I hoped wasn’t any time soon. The only way I could think of seeing my mom again was in dreams.
This poem came to me during a drive about a month and a half after my mom died.
Find Me In My Dreams
I think about you every day,
your face engraved in my mind,
but I have yet to see you in my dreams
and each night it’s what I hope to find.
I talk to you before I fall asleep,
to your picture I say “good night”.
I wish you’d visit me in my dreams,
it would be such a wonderful sight.
To see the beauty of your face,
to feel the warmth of your smile,
please come find me in my dreams,
stay for just a little while.
I wish we’d had more time together,
it’s really hard to believe you’re gone.
There’s so much I need to tell you,
I’m trying so hard to be strong.
But living life without you
is much harder than I thought it would be.
Please come find me in my dreams tonight,
Mom, please come visit me.
Since my mom died, I’ve dreamt of her only a handful of times. At first the dreams were just of my mom appearing, seemly out of nowhere, and walking with me. We were together again, even though I could never hear what she was saying. I’ve had some crazy dreams too, which in their own way made sense to me. A message of sorts. A way of working through feelings. Maybe my mom was really there, just for a moment. I write down what I can remember when I awake, usually on my Wordpress blog, and I can share them if anyone would like to read about these dreams. It is a small piece of my mom and time we spent together, even if it’s only a dream.
It’s been awhile since I’ve seen my mom in my dreams. I long to dream of her again.